My fault
by katieeblaah
Summary: Zach Goode was the typical bad boy. Nothing could hurt him, right? Well think again. Follow Zach's emotional journey as Cammie runs away and disappears from everyone she loves. All because of Zach. Set between OGSY and OSOT. May contain spoilers for OSOT.


**A/N: **My latest one-shot. Gives my opinion of Zach's thoughts about Cammie's absence throughout the Summer holidays. I didn't actually read the accounts Ally Carter posted online until after I wrote this so not everything will match up...Yes I've tried as much as possible to keep this story accurate to the books but at times it does get a little OMG WHAT IS THIS STUPID STORY? ahaha But yeah guys give it a chance it's a good read, well at least I hope it is! ahah And I am a bit nervous about my attempts in creating a 'semi-past' for Zach. I honestly did not plan on writing anything about Zach's past (because I wanted to make the story accurate) BUT it kind of just happened-my finger's have a mind of their own -.-

ANYWAY I hope you all enjoy this story :) I wrote it because I love reading about Zach's soft side- well I really just LOVE ZACH but you know ;) ahaha okay so yeah this is classified as Zammie I guess? maybe a little? OH MY GOODNESS I BLABBLE!

OKAY so please enjoy the story :) I enjoyed writing it!

(excuse my crappy-ness at writing)

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

xx

* * *

**My fault**

We couldn't find her. We had already travelled to more than 20 different countries and found absolutely nothing! No leads, no evidence, just nothing. Bex was strong, but it was evident that she was losing hope. I would hear her cry herself to sleep at night from the nearby guest room where I slept and I honestly could not blame her. We had found nothing. She could be captured or worse. All we knew was that Cammie was nowhere. She was completely alone. _And it was my entire fault._

But I convinced myself to still have hope. She couldn't be gone, she just _couldn't._ Cammie was smarter than that. She would not get caught. But I still felt panic seeping through my confidence. _What if my mother had found her?_

_If I hadn't of suggested for us to run away together, maybe she would currently be safe. She wouldn't be alone._

I remember the day when everyone found out about her disappearance. Shock. Then panic. No one understood why she would ever run; they couldn't comprehend why she would _risk her life_ at this point in time. 'Was she that stupid to make herself so vulnerable to the COC?', They said. Bex, Macey and Liz were furious that she had just left them. They felt betrayed, but even so their panic still overwhelmed such feelings. Determined, they started brainstorming possible places where she could have gone almost immediately, but they had no ideas.  
Me? Well I just hid in the shadows of Gallagher.  
I had never felt so guilty before in my life. It was by my suggestion that she ran. I _should_ have followed her, I _should_ have been her backup; disregarded her defiance. I was Zach Goode, 'no' didn't really tend to ever stop me. But I had just let her go and risk her life for answers. _Idiot, I should've known that she'd try to runaway by herself.  
_I to brainstormed places where she could have gone, but I came up blank much like her best friends.

Rachel Morgan was a complete wreck and Gallagher as a whole become submerged in this invisible fog of gloom. The same question seemed to be on everyone's conscience:

_Would Cammie ever return?_

**:: **

I needed to change my approach. This wasn't working out. We were only ruining our hope. I knew what I had to do and I had to do it alone. I had to find out for sure if she had been captured. I had to find my mother.

I waited till just before dawn to launch my escape. The Baxter's and myself were currently staying in an apartment in Greece. I easily avoided the modest security measures.

The early morning was strikingly cold, the sky the palest of dark blues. I wish I had bought my warmer jumper. The first place I decided to go was to the airport. I planned on starting out my search for my mother at my childhood home. It was funny that I could ever had had such a thing being the son of a Circle of Cavern operative and all. Except I did, my mother was just never there.  
I bought a 7am ticket to Washington, DC.

**::**

Like suspected, she wasn't there. The large white house remained vacant, as it had most of its life. I had lived there until I was 8. My mother had hired a full time nanny, Celeste Cummings, to raise me. Celeste was a middle aged widow. I always assumed she had had some connection to the COC, but had never found the means of affirming such. Nonetheless, Celeste had treated me as her own son, and I treated her as my mother. When I was 8, my mother decided to visit me for my birthday. Celeste had baked a cake and flourished me with compliments, love and of course presents. Catherine had also brought me a present: a small knife. Naïve as I was, I became overjoyed by my mother's moment of 'affection'. I wanted her to love me. Her present was of course completely ridiculous for a 8 year old, but it was only as I grew older and truly came to understand her that her intentions behind giving such a present became clear: she wanted me to become a killer. Celeste was visibly shocked that my mother had given me such a present and thus when I started to play around with the knife, she came and took it off me. She warned me that it was dangerous. This angered my mother a lot. In an instant, she transformed from my biological mother to a killer and before I could even try to yell, she had her arm around Celeste's neck, strangling her for breath.

"How dare you try and turn my son against me. How dare you try and stop his destiny" She whispered furiously in my nanny's ear. I didn't understand. I had no idea what was happening. I just stood there watching in a stance as my birth mother slowly denied my unofficial mother of life. I watched her murder Celeste. I had never been so scared in my life. I started to scream.  
My mother rushed towards me, an evil glint present in her eyes. I ran and crouched in the corner behind Celeste's favorite blue armchair. I was terrified of my mother, tears soon sprung in my eyes.

"Zach", my mother said softly, gently as she walked towards me. She was trying to coax me out of my hiding spot. I only pushed myself further into the corner, further away from her.

"Honey", she tried. I just stayed there watching her like a stunned animal about to be hit by a car. Tears ran down my cheeks. Thinking about it now, she probably resented my weakness.

My mother reached for me and I screamed, but she was strong and forced me into her arms. The hug was horrible and I tried everything to get away from her but it was no use. Catherine took advantage of our proximity immediately. She started whispering into my ear saying horrible untrue things about Celeste. She said that Celeste had killed her own husband and child, and then worst of all, she said that she had killed my father. My mother calmed me and said that she only found out this information yesterday and thus rushed to save me as soon as she did. Her lies, how unbelievable they were, made complete sense at the time. I stopped resisting my mother's hug and fell into it happy that she saved me from such a monster.  
My Mother was a bitch, a fucking liar. But I was 8 and knew no better. My hunger for love and approval from her overrun my hate. And thus I believed her.  
Catherine made me hate Celeste. She indoctrinated me, filling me with false information all because she was jealous of mine and Celeste's relationship.  
I found out about my mother's lie a year later. In that time I had already found a new home with Joe Soloman of whom practically became my father. He helped me understand the evilness of my mother. He helped me become who I am. Needless to say, I hated Catherine Goode from then on.

I ran around to the side of the house, breaking a window and not caring about any security measures. I entered the house through the break in the window avoiding the glass shards. I hoped I made notable damage. The bitch deserves to pay for it.  
She will know that I've been here and that's what I wanted. This house had become her current permanent residence I became fairly sure of as I searched each room. There was some fresh food in the fridge and one personal possession: a picture of me and her from when I was 8 rested on her bedside table. Oh the joy.  
Spies never left behind remnants in their old safe houses, thus I knew she was currently residing here. I had gotten lucky. She would move on to a new house soon.

I only had one more task before I had to leave the house. I ransacked through my mother's draws until I found an old lipstick. I then walked over towards the mirror in her room and left my message to her: Meet at noon. After short deliberation I decided to add –Z so that she was sure to meet me.

And then I actually realized that I will have to speak to my mother for the first time since the mountain incident. Actually _properly_ converse since I was about 8 (God she loved me as an 8 year old)

Fuck life. I started to immediately have regrets.

_You're doing this for Cammie._

That little subconscious reminder was the only thing that stopped me from erasing my note.

_You're doing this for Cammie._

"My darling boy", Catherine cooed without even bothering to turn around. I flinched. I hated her 'pretending to care' shit.

"Catherine", I replied hoping to annoy her. Thankfully I did.

"Zachary", she sighed whilst turning to face me, "I wish you would be kinder. After all I am your own mother"

"Unfortunately that wasn't something I could help. Now enough with the small talk its bad enough even being here as it is. Where is she? And please spare me the crap; you know who I'm talking about"

My mother smirked. Yes, I can see why some might find my smirk irritating now.  
"Oh Zach, do you mean your girlfriend?"

"Bingo"

"Isn't she on Summer break? If you're having withdrawal symptoms my dear boy, maybe you should find her yourself instead of assuming I have her! Is she ignoring your calls? Oh dear, if so I would be fairly sad. You both did seem so adorable together. Although I do believe you could do bet-"

"Would you SHUT UP! Where is she? Cut this fucking crap I don't care okay!", I snapped cutting her off. There would be no more joking from now on.

"Do you love her?" my mother questioned, fairly shocked.

"That is irrelevant. Do you have her or not?"

"You love her. Interesting"

I was aspirated. I was desperate. And so I did the weakest thing I've ever done in front of my mother ever since my 8th birthday, I let my guard down.  
"Please", I said softly.

My mother blinked, stepped forward and kissed me on the head. "Love makes people weak. Forget about her". And then she was gone and I knew I had just lost every chance of speaking to her again about Cammie's whereabouts.

I had never felt so lost before in my life. _Cammie, Cammie, Cammie._

I was only sure about one thing: the COC must have Cammie or else my mother would have actually been surprised and less cynical. Oh my god, the COC have Cammie.

They have Cammie.

_My_ Cammie.

Needless to say, I kinda broke down.

**::**

I returned to the Baxter's for the rest of the Summer holiday. I felt crazy, insane, because there was a big chance that Cammie was gone forever. And thus I knew I would never be the same again. Silence lapsed me, pain overtaking my mobility. But, as crazy as it sounded, I held onto the slight hope that she would escape, or that my mother just insinuated falsified information of which of course could be true. But in my gut I knew Cammie was in trouble. And it was my fault.

I shouldn't of let her go.  
It was my fault.  
My fault that I've lost the only girl I can ever love.

_My fault._

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed this :)  
**Please review, I would GREATLY appreciate it!**:)

-Katie xx

(P.S: I've always pictured Catherine as a bitch that inevitably loves her son. He's kind of her weakness. Still she might be classified as a tad OCC in this [mental blank is it OCC or OOC?] butit's just my opinion of her :))


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